I'd rather live in ignorance

I think I could have a problem...

I've been reading recently about depression and other similar mental illnesses, and I really do fear that I could be suffering.

Which is crazy. I'm not badly well off (if that even makes grammatical sense), I have people and friends around me (ish) who love me, I have a roof over my head, a job (shit pay, but still a job), yet for some reason I still can't get rid of this crushing feeling inside me...

Correction, I can, but through the use of cannabis (and even then it doesn't completely do the trick, only numbs the pain).

I keep on thinking about when my parents sent me to see a child psychologist. I hated him from the start, so much so that I only had one session with him and never called up to make another appointment.

I'm now thinking; could he have told me something about myself which could explain this? Or am I just a selfish, self-centred little cunt who should stop whining?

Since I was... probably 14-15, I've hated myself.

In fact, "hate" sounds too soft and fluffy for it. I despise myself. If I saw myself walking through the street I'd probably spit on me, knowing everything I've done in my life. I want to be able to leave my body, inhabit another, point to 'me' and say "I don't have anything to do with him". Something about being tarnished with a brush? I dunno...

I do want to get over this shit, but I'm too afraid to ask for professional help. I don't want to see a councilor or therapist. I don't want to have to go back through my childhood and school days to find out what's wrong with me.

Yes, I was bullied. I was terrorised (again, not as much as some people, but everything's relative). I 'acted out' during school years 3-4 (I don't really remember much of it apart from the punishment; some totally humiliating "colour in the teddy bear box if you've been a good boy" thing). I bullied other people myself (around school years 9-10). I stole (from family and friends). I tried to do anything and everything to be accepted by my peers. I didn't feel as if I "truly belonged" until I left school. Which is really sad because my best years were whilst I was in sixth form.

My parents... *shakes head* I don't even know where to begin with them. I've lied to them (repeatedly, even when I knew they knew the truth), I've stolen from them, I've disrespected them, I pretty much totally lost them for about 8 months.

The one thing I want to hear from them is the words "I/We love you". Even imagining them saying that now brings tears to my eyes.

It also makes me think "Yeah, I know I was bad, I know I was a naughty little shit, but that was 5-10 years in the past. Can't you forgive me?"

I think that could be it; I think that they're not saying "I love you" because they haven't/can't forgive me for everything I did in the past. If I could turn the clocks back and do it all right, by the gods, would I do it...

I've tried to have conversations with them about this before, and I normally get the response (because I'll get all choked up and start to cry) "Oh grow up, stop being so sensitive".

One of my old friends (my very first "girlfriend") from primary/secondary school found a photo of our class. And from the looks of it, even then, it was blatantly obvious that people didn't want to be around me. The comments that appeared connected to the photo were also horrible to read. It was like going back in time and reliving some of those moments. I hated it.

Things that I used to do because it made me happy but which ended up in being a target for torment (Whenever we used to watch "Oliver!" at school, afterwards I was guaranteed to be in the playground, singing my heart out [and then being ripped for it]).

I dunno... I've got so much going on in my head I can't even see it all straight.

Could I have a problem? Possibly.

If I do, do I want to have it confirmed and diagnosed? No.

Could it do more harm not knowing? *shrugs*