Insight

I think I've worked out from yesterday why exactly I smoke so much weed; it is to keep me "happy".

When I'm stoned I don't think about myself. My mind feels light and free. I know this is an avoidance technique but it works so damned well. Plus I enjoy being stoned.

Last night was horrible. I was in a right state.

Tried to play Red Alert, doing some skirmishes against the computer and got raped repeatedly (which really wound me up/upset me), then I started to do the washing up, gave up after 5 mins because I kept on dropping things, splashing myself, getting water and bubbles everywhere, then tried to go to sleep (at 8:20pm), laid down sobbing for about 10-15mins before realising that there's no hope in hell of me going to sleep so continued/finished off the washing up (with lots more swearing and sobbing), then attempted to do some more gaming. Failed miserably; my attention span on each game was no more than 10-15mins. Managed to "calm down", although I wouldn't call it calmed, I would say more "numbed", went to bed with Kaz around midnight and watched a couple of episodes of Family Guy before dozing off around 12:45-1:00am.

Now back in work again, feeling a bit "better", wouldn't say that I'm particularly happy, but I don't feel as miserable and depressed as I did last night (either that or I vented a shit load out without really realising it).

Thanks to everyone who's been helping me with this, I'm sorry, I know it's not nice to witness, especially for Kaz.